


The Hand They Gave Him

by idontgiveaquiznak (punkrockmanpain)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Autistic Keith, Dirty Talk, Dissociation, Dom Shiro (Voltron), M/M, PTSD, Praise Kink, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Shiro likes being the little spoon, Trauma Recovery, he's never explicitly described as autistic but that's how I'm writing him, mlm author, nonconsensual drugging, some dialogue-only parts, the explicit rating is in reference to consensual sex, the non-con is briefly described but not lingered on, trans author, trans keith
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 04:55:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11074485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkrockmanpain/pseuds/idontgiveaquiznak
Summary: Sometimes Shiro doesn’t know what to do with the hand they gave him.AKA Trauma Recovery in Space.





	The Hand They Gave Him

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has the potential to be extraordinarily triggering. Please let me know if I missed any tags. I wanted to write something about Shiro’s trauma recovery, since there seem to be a lot of fics out there about Shiro _experiencing_ abuse but not about how he manages it afterward. So here’s this.
> 
> I was also interested in talking about how sexual abuse can happen to tops, which often isn’t acknowledged.
> 
> The “explicit” rating refers to consensual sex. The non-con is briefly described but not lingered on.

_The drug just augments my natural tendencies. That was what they said. It just augments one’s natural tendencies._

Allura, what’s he talking about? This isn’t what we asked him.

_I don’t suddenly become a bottom, or straight, when they give it to me. It makes my blood boil and my teeth grit together and my...my dick... The point is, I still like the same things I usually do. I have the same kinks. Everything just feels so much more...urgent. Like if I don’t fuck something, I’ll die._

Shiro. Oh...oh my god. Why would they give you something like that?

_It was originally intended as a sedative, to keep prisoners from trying to escape. It backfired, but in a...in an enjoyable way, for them. They don’t mind at all. One of the commanders—I don’t know his name—he likes to bring me in and inject me with the drug, then bend over his desk while I pound into him and come in his ass. He’s a high-level operative. I think he probably enjoys the release, the chance to stop thinking about strategy and just lie down and get fucked._

Oh my god. Allura, we have to stop this. We have to stop making him remember this.

_You’re mad. I’m sorry. I’ll be good. I messed up. I’m sorry._

What do you MEAN we can’t stop it? How the fuck would it damage him more than it already is? It’s giving him FLASHBACKS!

_I want to fix it. Tell me how to fix it._

You don’t need to fix anything. It’s okay, Shiro. Come back to us.

_Shiro?_

Yes. You. What other Shiro would I be talking to?

_I don’t...I don’t know._

You’re the only person I know with that name.

_What? I...I don’t have a name._

* * *

“Shiro. Shiro, please.” Keith’s voice is choked with emotion. Some faraway part of Shiro knows who Keith is. It thinks that this is the most outwardly emotional he’s ever known Keith to be.

“The...the drug’s fading away,” Shiro murmurs. “Are you going to give me more? It didn’t do much this time. I didn’t even get…you know.”

“We didn’t give you that drug,” Keith says. “We just gave you the Altean memory drug. To see if you could remember any Galra intel from when you were captured. Do you remember that?”

The faraway part of Shiro is returning. The room is coming back into focus. He’s staring at a pair of legs that is probably his. He’s sitting up and leaning back on a small, warm body. Something wet is falling on his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Keith says after a moment of silence. “I didn’t think that touching you would be a good idea, since you were talking about your...your boundaries being... _fuck_...your boundaries being _violated_.” More wet drops fall onto his skin. “But I didn’t know how to make you come back. Allura doesn’t know shit about human psychology. And you...you always like being the little spoon.”

Shiro tries to crane his neck back to see him but only catches a glimpse of long black hair splayed against the wall. It still brings him further back into the present. “Am...am I squishing you?”

A pause, and a relieved laugh. “No. I’m fine.”

“I...I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’ve never hurt me, Shiro.” This time when Keith says it, it sounds familiar. It sounds like a name.

“That’s not what you said last night,” Shiro says. His laugh feels a little unnatural, like he’s retching.

“I literally asked for that. It was fun.” Keith takes in a deep breath. It sounds horrible through his stuffed nose. The noise finally snaps Shiro fully into reality.

“Keith, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to do this. I never wanted you to—”

“Never wanted me to what? Support you? That’s my job, you jackass.”

“I never wanted you to find out.” Shiro’s voice feels choked, gravelly, small. It scrapes his throat uncomfortably.

Tears fall on the back of his neck again. “I’m sorry. You don’t ever have to talk about it again if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, that...that might be our best bet.”

“Okay. I want you to tell me, like...your triggers and shit, though. I don’t want this to ever happen again.”

“Maybe later.” Shiro’s throat still hurts, and his voice is watery, but he isn’t crying. Why is Keith crying and not him?

“Okay.” Keith’s arms wrap around his chest. He strokes the back of Keith’s wrist with his left hand. He doesn’t want to look at the hand they gave him right now.

* * *

_Did...did you hear what happened?_

What?

_They told you, didn’t they? I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I—_

Allura, you said this shit wasn’t going to happen again!

_I didn’t mean to. They took away my hand—how is that even possible?—and this new one, it...it’s dangerous. I didn’t even know that it could..._

Okay. Did you hear her, Shiro? She said we just have to ride this out. 

_Ride what out? What are you...I don’t understand._

You just...have to ride out the memory you’re stuck in. If she breaks the connection now, it might erase this memory, which might be good for you, but it could also—what was it you said, Allura?—destroy other ones. It could damage other parts of your mind. So we just have to finish this out. I’ll be here with you the whole time.

_That’s...kind of you._

Where are you right now? 

_What do you mean, where am I? This is my cell. I...I have to get...I have to get this HAND off, I can’t let this happen again—_

Allura, those restraints aren’t going to break, right? I’m so sorry we had to strap you down, Shiro. I wish I knew what else to do.

_It’s okay. Probably for the best. I can’t hurt anyone else like this._

Who did you hurt, Shiro?

_The...the commander brought me in again. He gave me the...you know. Tried to sic me on one of his friends._

What? Oh my god.

_She was willing. She has similar tastes to his, I guess. But it didn’t work. He said...haha...he said I obviously lacked interest in females._

But I thought you were bi, I—oh my god, I’m sorry. That’s not even relevant.

_I’m not...dominant with women. I didn’t...initiate anything, just got really horny and sat down and...waited for instructions. They saw that as a sign of disinterest._

Jesus, Shiro. This is not how I wanted to get to know you better.

_She went away, and...and he gave me more of the drug. And he bent over his desk like usual. And...and when I was inside him, he...he called me a beast. He always calls me that, I don’t know why it was different this time. But I wasn’t just horny after he gave me more of it. I was so angry. And I wanted to feel like a person. He treats me like an animal and...and maybe I am one, a little bit. But I wanted to feel like a person again. I think I used to feel like a person._

Shiro, I’m so sorry.

_I hurt him. I only meant to hit him, but this new hand, it...it burns. I didn’t know it could do that. You should have seen his back, it was so...well, I guess you shouldn’t have seen it. I wish I hadn’t._

Can...can I touch you, Shiro? No, I shouldn’t. I don’t know if you’re even understanding me right now.

 _Another officer came in because of the noise. He...he looked so kind. I didn’t deserve that. Why would he be like that when he saw what I did?_

You deserve kindness, Shiro. I don’t care what they told you.

_You don’t understand. He was like...he said, ‘What did I tell you?’ And the commander said, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. He attacked me. You’ve seen how he is in the arena.’ And he was like, ‘You think I don’t know what you do with the prisoners? Don’t insult me with your lies.’ And then he asked me what my name was. You wanna know what the commander said?_

Tell me.

_He said, ‘He doesn’t have a name, Ulaz. He has a number.’_

I’ll fucking kill him. If you ever remember this guy’s name, I’m gonna find him and kill him. 

_But I...I already hurt him. I...I’m so tired._

Okay, I think I can take you down now. We’re taking the restraints off.

_No, don’t! I might hurt someone else!_

You’ll be fine. I’m going to try the grounding techniques Pidge found, okay? What color are the walls, Shiro?

_Silver. That’s funny. They used to be darker._

No, they didn’t. You’re not in the cell right now. What do you smell?

 _Um...cookies?_

Yeah. Allura went out to go get them. Lance hated them the last time Hunk made them, but you really liked them. What do you feel?

_Hands. On my face._

Yeah. You told me I could do this if this ever happened again, remember? 

_You...you look so sad. I’m sorry._

It’s not your fault, Shiro. It’s not your fault.

* * *

Shiro’s face is wet. He’s the one crying this time.

“We’re never doing that again. I don’t care if you say you can handle it. I can’t, okay? I can’t do this again.” Keith’s voice wobbles as he wipes tears from Shiro’s cheek.

“I’m sorry, Keith.” Shiro wants to rip off the hand they gave him, he wants to run away, he wants to be as far away from the palace and everyone in it as possible. 

“Stop apologizing to me.” 

“Sorry.” The corner of Shiro’s mouth quirks up a little bit. Keith laughs in disbelief and rolls his eyes.

“I thought Lance had a monopoly on the bad jokes.”

“Shiro, I’m so sorry,” Allura says from the other side of the room. It sounds like she’s crying too.

“Everyone’s apologizing today, I see,” Shiro says, twisting his mouth into what he hopes is a reassuring smile. “It’s fine. I insisted, after all. Fate of the universe at stake and all.”

“It’s not fine. Fuck the universe. Doing this on...on the off chance that you’ll remember some scrap of intel isn’t worth it.” Keith turns his head. “Allura, if you ever let him do this again, I’ll kick your ass.”

“And I wouldn’t blame you one bit.” She shudders out a breath. “I suppose I’ll just give you two a moment to get settled. I don’t see that I can be of any use at this juncture.”

“Thank you for helping Keith, Allura,” Shiro says.

“Of course. Try to come down to dinner if you feel like it. I didn’t tell the others what was happening, but I think they could tell something was off. Lance is worried about you.”

As she leaves, Shiro pulls Keith close and feels an unspeakable guilt like a punch in the gut. He thinks about this beautiful boy, warm in his arms, who loves him so deeply and touches the hand they gave him without a hint of fear. And he thinks about Lance and the other paladins and wonders how they put up with him, the way that Keith is putting up with Shiro’s tears falling into his hair.

“I can get you your dinner and bring it back to your room. You don't have to come to dinner if you need time to yourself.”

Shiro's arms tighten around Keith. “I appreciate that. But I think I'd like to see everyone.”

“Sure. Just let me know when you're ready.”

Shiro spends a moment that feels like an aching, blissful eternity, the bruised feeling in his chest subsiding a bit—more than he would have thought possible—as Keith's body heat and love permeate his skin. And then he takes in a shuddering, painful breath and kisses Keith's forehead. “Okay, let's go.”

Keith looks up with a small smile and produces a soft black cloth from his belt, wiping Shiro's face. “You look good,” he says.

Shiro laughs in disbelief and kisses him on the lips this time. Keith holds his hand—the hand they gave him—as they exit the room.

* * *

_Oh god, Keith, I hurt you, I’m so sorry, I—_

...what? 

_Your...your back, I...I scratched...with…_

Oh no, Shiro, it’s okay! I’m fine!

_I wasn’t paying...I—_

It’s okay. Look at me. I’m not hurt.

_I...I don’t…_

It’s just a scratch. See? I’m not bleeding or anything.

_Oh...okay._

You know what your name is, right?

_Yeah._

Okay. So it’s not as bad as that other time.

_I...I think it’s easier. Without the memory drug. Getting me stuck in the memories and all._

That’s good. I’m glad. What do you feel right now?

_I...I’m…_

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Shiro says. “I’m so mad, I—”

“Why are you mad?” Keith asks, stroking Shiro’s cheek. His face is blank, his sympathetic eyebrows the only indication of his concern. His naked chest is rising and falling with deep, anxious breaths.

“I ruined our scene. This was supposed to be for you, and I already got triggered earlier, and I just keep making things harder for you today—”

“You didn’t ruin anything. I...I should have realized that this could be triggering for you.” Keith squeezes his eyes shut as though that can prevent tears from leaking out. “I feel bad for asking you to hurt me when I know what happened to you.”

“I don’t want you to feel bad for it. Like, I’m the one who said we should still do it. I didn’t want the stuff from earlier to ruin our plans. And I...I like giving you that. I like giving you pain when you want it. I like making you feel good.” Shiro takes in a breath and pushes it out again painfully. “It’s just...the drug brought out my natural tendencies, right? And I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of being scared of my own sexuality.” 

Keith wipes his tears from his cheek and kisses him tenderly with soft lips. “I wish I knew how to make it better.” 

“I don’t know if anyone can make it better. It’s just something I have to learn to live with.” Shiro’s shoulders begin shaking with grief, grief for all the things he’s lost and will never get back. His hand, his peace of mind, his ability to trust both his own body and the people around him. Keith wraps his arms around him and lets Shiro collapse onto him, supporting Shiro’s body weight as they’re sitting upright on the bed, even though it can’t be comfortable. Shiro thinks he must look ridiculous, a tall, muscular man slumped over a smaller man and sobbing into his shoulder. But right now he can't stop.

Finally he pulls himself away and presses a kiss to Keith's forehead. Keith replies by pressing his own lips to Shiro's mouth, his kiss like an apology— _I'm so sorry they hurt you, I'm sorry I don't know how to help, I'm sorry I can't fix it_ —and Shiro's answering kiss says back, _No, you're fine, you're perfect, you help me more than you can possibly know_.

Keith leans into Shiro, his small, calloused hands resting on Shiro's chest, and this is much more familiar territory for Shiro, supporting someone else rather than being supported himself. He wraps his left hand into Keith's hair and strokes gently at Keith's side with his right. Keith groans and melts against him. The sense of easy control from earlier begins to seep back into Shiro's chest. Tentatively, he scrapes the nails of his left hand down the right side of Keith's chest. Keith shudders and moans.

“Sir,” Keith gasps. “Are you...Is this okay? You're not hurting me, it's a good hurt, I promise—” 

“I believe you,” Shiro says shakily. “I think this is different from earlier, because you had your back turned to me.” He strokes his right hand over Keith's back, tracing the marks from his flogger (a lucky find from the last space station they'd stopped at). With trepidation, he feels the abrasion, caused when he'd gotten a little too into it and dragged the fingertips of his right hand down Keith's back.

“Harder, do it harder, fuck—” And Shiro grabs Keith’s right pec and digs his nails in, and Keith’s fingers twitch involuntarily against his chest. “ _Yesss_.”

“You’re so good,” Shiro says, leaning down and gnawing at Keith’s neck and feeling his cock begin to fill again against Keith’s leg. “You feel so good, I can’t believe you let me touch you, _fuck_ —”

“I love it when you touch me,” Keith gasps. 

“I love touching you. I just want to make you feel good, sweetheart.”

“You always make me feel good. Feel me.” Keith takes Shiro’s left hand and pulls it down to his front hole, and Shiro traces around the slick in awe. “You make me so wet. I can’t help it, it just always happens, I always want you to fuck me so bad—”

Shiro sits back and pulls Keith into his lap, grabbing the condom on top of the nightstand and slipping it on. “Come here and sit on it, sweetheart. Let me feel you.”

“Oh _god_ ,” Keith groans when Shiro pushes a couple of fingers (from the hand they gave him) inside of him. His left hand is pulling Keith’s hair again. “You don’t have to do that, I’m ready, I want it to hurt a little—”

“Whatever you want,” Shiro says, slipping his fingers back out and gripping Keith’s hips with both hands, smearing Keith’s wetness onto his skin. Keith bites his lip and wraps his arms around Shiro's shoulders, and Shiro feels engulfed by him already. His eyes flutter shut as he slowly sinks onto Shiro’s cock, his hole tight and spasming around the head.

“Look at you, you little slut. Taking it so well,” Shiro murmurs, gripping his cock at the base and holding it steady so Keith can work more of it inside. 

“Am I good, sir?” Keith gasps as he sinks deeper onto Shiro’s cock, more than halfway there.

“So good,” Shiro says, grabbing his ass. “Fucking perfect.”

“Fuuuuuck.” Keith finally bottoms out, and Shiro grinds up into him and bites at his neck again.

“Ride me,” he growls, and Keith does, starting slowly and gingerly and getting more frantic as his walls open up around Shiro’s cock. Shiro begins pulling him down onto his cock with every rise and fall of Keith’s body. Keith is an amazing sight, chest reddening and hair falling into his face and legs wide open, moaning as Shiro fills him up over and over.

Shiro sees Keith's mouth falling open, slack with pleasure, and he can't help it. For the first time since he escaped, since he was strapped down to a table again by the people who were supposed to save him, deliriously babbling about Voltron and shaking from withdrawal, he gives in fully. His natural tendencies come out in full force.

“That’s it, fucking _take it for me_.” He pulls Keith off of his cock, to a disappointed moan, and pushes him onto his back, placing Keith’s legs onto his shoulders and slamming back in. Keith gasps and melts into the bed, arms limp and eyes glazed over with pleasure.

“You’re such a pretty little slut.” Shiro thrusts into him desperately, hard and aching and feeling like his heart might burst. “So fucking beautiful. I'll fuck you as hard as you need to feel better after the day you had.” And a little voice echoes through his head ( _that’s right, fuck me, you beast, this is what you were made for_ ), but Keith’s voice drowns it out.

“I always need it, sir, I always need you—”

“I need you too, sweetheart. You feel so good, I’m— _fuck_ —”

“Come in me, please, I want it—”

“You’re so good, so— _ohh_.”

Shiro’s hips stutter as he comes, grinding deeply into Keith as his body shudders. He can’t believe he gets to be here, using this boy to come, filling him up. And Keith is babbling about how good it feels, how much he loves Shiro coming inside him. Shiro feels like the luckiest bastard alive. And with that, he pulls out, ties off and discards the condom with fumbling hands, and shakily settles onto his front between Keith’s legs.

“What are you— _oh_.” Shiro licks hungrily at Keith’s hole, because he doesn’t have time to bask in the afterglow when his boy hasn’t come yet. He doesn't keep track of the amount of times Keith's thighs spasm around him, far more concerned with the way he tastes, the way he fills his mouth, the way he’s grabbing Shiro’s hair and thrusting upward with little moans. He doesn't know how many times Keith comes. He doesn't care. He just wants to wreck him.

He only stops when Keith’s hand has fallen slack in his hair, merely resting rather than pulling him closer, and Keith’s thighs have long stopped tensing with pleasure, bracketing his face limply instead. He gives a final lick, relishing the taste and the wetness on his jaw, and pushes himself up. He kisses Keith as his body shudders a little with aftershocks, and Keith wraps his arms around Shiro’s shoulders and pulls him on top of him.

“You’re incredible,” Shiro says as their lips part.

Keith smiles up at him. “Was that okay? Were you okay?”

“I’m great. I...yeah.” Shiro kisses him again, dick twitching a little at the thought that he’s getting Keith’s face messy with his own come.

“You didn’t do that because you felt guilty, right?” Keith asks.

“What do you mean?”

“You shouldn’t ever fuck me because you feel like you’re making things hard for me.” Keith’s hand cups the left side of Shiro’s face, thumb stroking his cheekbone. “You should just fuck me because you want to.”

“I did. I did want to.” Shiro takes Keith’s hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles, warmth filling his chest when Keith blushes.

“Okay. Just so long as you’re okay.” Shiro nods and rolls over onto his back, continuing to hold Keith’s hand. “You know you never make things harder for me, right?”

“I...I find that hard to believe,” Shiro says, unable to be anything but honest when he’s feeling this vulnerable, cracked wide open and quivering in the light.

“It’s true. It’s never a hardship for me to be there for you. And nothing’s ever going to be as hard as…as spending months not knowing whether you’re alive or dead.” Keith’s voice breaks.

“Sweetheart,” Shiro says, his own voice breaking as he presses his lips to Keith’s cheek.

“I have to pee,” Keith says, squeezing Shiro’s hand as he sits up and wiping away tears with the back of his hand.

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything,” Shiro says, wanting to wrap his arms around Keith and wipe his tears away himself. But he knows better than to infringe upon his space.

Keith gets up and walks away, and Shiro lies on the bed in silence. He can hear Keith blowing his nose. A few moments later, Keith walks back out, and Shiro gets up to use the bathroom himself, grabbing Keith’s ass as he walks past him. Keith snorts and slaps Shiro’s butt in return. 

With his ass stinging pleasantly, Shiro splashes water onto his face, washing away the weird stickiness that’s clinging to his eyes from crying earlier and reluctantly making his jaw a little more presentable. He pees, and he washes his hands, and he walks back out to a sleepy-looking boy burrowed under the covers. “C’mere,” Keith says with half-shut eyes.

“I’ll be right there.” He stops at the nightstand and fiddles with his right elbow, and the hand they gave him comes off with a whir and a _clack!_ He sets it down onto the nightstand with a gentle clunk. Keith pulls up the covers, and he joins him, pressing his back against Keith’s chest. 

The blanket falls on top of him, and Keith’s small, wiry arms wrap around his chest, and Shiro smiles a little bit, tears pricking at his eyes again for a moment. He feels safe, and warm, and whole. While his eyes are drifting shut, the hand they gave him becomes blurry as his vision fades. It looks oddly comical and lonely splayed out on the nightstand. He thinks that it looks kind of silly like that, like it would never be able to hurt anybody.

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr is idontgiveaquiznak. Come say hi if you like!
> 
> Also, kudos and comments give me life.


End file.
